Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
