I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
