I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
