a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
