New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
