my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
