They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the day after is always just damage control
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
