the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
