Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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