Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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