I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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