it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
