That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
