I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
