I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
