Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
