I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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