she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
