Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
