I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
