It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
