she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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