Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
