i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
