alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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