lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
