i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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