Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
