I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
someone owes me an orgasm
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
