My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
