1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
