After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
