i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize