Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
