sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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