Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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