I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
