Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
