Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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