remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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