Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
