He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
