Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have post one night stand depression
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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