So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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