You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
