I just saw a hot homeless man
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Did I show you my penis last night?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
