Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
