:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
