if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
