The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
