I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
