You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
