I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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