i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
