My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am one with the molecules
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize