So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
