I got chris browned last night
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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