you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
